it evades me sometimes. i hope, almost willing it on, that it will show up, but not now. not right now.

it teases me, makes me think that i could, nay, should have it soon

but it seems now further than before.

when it's not here now, for this long, i'm in pain. not just the mental pain that comes with not having it, but real, physical pain. open or closed, my eyes hurt, piercing the tops of the lids. my head feels swollen, ready to burst out of my skull. i feel sluggish, slow, drained. the bitter irony.

i just want to fall asleep